Planned Obsolescence

I spent too much time trying to rationalize my state of confusion after observing my sister's high school prom pictures. For a good two hours, I stood there while everyone was snapping photos and found myself constantly finding new assaults on good taste and mumbling "what are they thinking?" Most of the gentlemen had skinny sideburns, fades, and giant rocks in both of their ears. Many of the ladies had acquired a "tan" that left them their skin a color and texture that was somewhere between "basketball" and "mythical creature." I am not sure when this became "the look" in high school, nor do I find this particularly attractive. I was confused and, by default, wanted to pin it on "The Hills," which I currently blame for most of society's ills, from the rise of reality TV shows about spoiled kids and why foreigners hate us to the current financial crisis. However, I think I've found a way to chalk up the experience as a life lesson.

What do you get when you tan for too long? Turning a color that simply is wrong...

Will Smith, the Fresh Prince of Philosophy and Arch Duke of the Flat Top, once said "Parents Just Don't Understand" and concluded that parents and older people in general will, ultimately, not get some of the things their kids do/think is cool. Everyone will, or at least should, eventually transition to that role of the person that doesn't get or at least doesn't embrace all the things that "the kids" do. If they don't go gently into that cool night, they sound like the Amy Pohler's character from Mean Girls, and everybody knew that "cool mom," who was, ultimately, not that cool at all. As you get a bit older, you start to willingly or unwillingly abstain from following certain trends. If you let the right ones go, you can look "mature" and "above it all," while missing the boat on others means that, as far as most people are concerned, you might as well give up, find sensible shoes, wrap yourself in a Snuggie, and watch "60 Minutes." Everyone has a relative that has had a cell phone for 12 years and still hasn't figured out how to text message; that person could master cold fusion and still be considered a Luddite. Jay-Z, a man that oozes cool, has seamlessly and not surprisingly made the transition and said it best in "30 Something" when he states, "I'm young enough to know the right car to buy but grown enough not to put rims on it."

This is at least how I'm rationalizing it as least. My "I don't get it and did not see this coming" moment at my sister's prom photos probably means that I've officially started the descent to cultural adulthood, when stuff will occasionally become "cool" without you even knowing, and you only catch on when it's a massive and unavoidable your-parents-friends-start-friending-you-on-Facebook-phenomenon. I will interject here that I have never been confused for stylish or on the cutting edge unless it something that can be eaten or imbibed, but I am normally at least aware of trends. For instance, I very much aware of the virtues of Twitter, "Lost," and American Apparel but I "choose not to participate," to paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld. However, since obliviousness increasingly seems to be my future, I will conclude with a few simple rules that may become useful to me (or others) as one becomes less culturally aware:

1. One should never use articles when referring to a new technology or person. New technologies never have "the" or "a" attached to them, and saying "the Google," the Twitter," or "the 50 Cent" makes one sound quite foolish.
2. If one does not follow music carefully, one should never try to tell someone about a "new song" that he has heard, because there's a chance that it's 18 months old at that point.
3. Like ordering off a menu at at ethnic restaurant, one should do his best not pronounce a word or name that they have not heard pronounced before, lest they embarrass themselves entirely. Even if they have heard it, simply pointing and mumbling is usually the safest bet.
4. One should try not to look surprised. Living in New York is great practice for most things, but when kids start grafting genetically engineered animal parts to themselves for fun in 2035, just don't look shocked. Botox, helpfully enough, helps many older people maintain this face of serenity.
5. If a new way of communicating emerges, especially if it proves to be a new method for delivering pornography, one should figure out how to use it, as these types of devices tend to stick around (This, of course, is a point that I am making purely from an academic perspective).



PS. As this rant started with the Fresh Prince, I should point out that MC Squared has informed me that, like white pants, Mr. Smith's "Summertime" can now be put in rotation now that Memorial Day has passed. Happy summertime and sorry for the absence.